


This is not my heart

by LivedALie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 04:52:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3434252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivedALie/pseuds/LivedALie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy Blake is trying to sleep in Mount Weather but he can't seem to stop thinking about Clarke Griffin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is not my heart

**Author's Note:**

> I am @devbostick: I'm like clexa-curious, but totally a bellarke baby. #uptownfunk.
> 
> This is inspired by the song "About A Girl..." from The Academy Is...  
> Part of my contribution to BellamyBlakeWeek on tumblr. Day 2: Favourite Relationship: Bellarke.

_One song about a girl_

_I can't breathe when I'm around her_  
 _I'll wait here every day_  
 _In case she'll scratch the surface_  
 _She'll never notice_  
  
 _I'm not in love_  
 _This is not my heart_  
 _I'm not gonna waste these words_  
 _About a girl_

 

Clarke falling into the grounders trap. His arm shooting out, involuntarily, to help her. To save her.

//

Clarke singing to his dying friend Atom, while pushing a knife in his throat. He can’t help thinking “this one might be as screwed up as I am.”

//

Clarke running to save Murphy, even though she hated him from the first second she laid eyes on him. He hates  _her_ in that moment. She almost just killed another friend of his by speaking out. He doesn’t have choice. If he wants everyone to listen to him, he needs to listen to everyone. He needs to take action. But this is on her.

//

Clarke helping Charlotte escape. He doesn’t know what he hates more: the fact that it isn’t him that's helping, or the fact that Finn is.

//

Clarke with the tip of Murphy’s knife at her throat. Charlotte saying “Please don’t hurt her.” When she jumps and Clarke rushes to stand next to him he realizes that, for the first time, they’re on the same page about something. When he attacks Murphy, she stops him.

“And who makes those rules? You?” He asks.

“For now, we make the rules.”  She replies.

And that’s how it all really begins.

//

 

 

Bellamy is lying in bed in Mount Weather, trying to catch some sleep, but it’s not coming easily. He’s remembering. Remembering all of it. Every moment he and Clarke spend together. The good and the bad.

How they have come from those first few days to “I can’t lose you too”, is beyond him. He never expected her to care about him that much. To care about him at all.

He also never expected to care this much about her.

Of all the god damn things that could be on his mind, that stupid little sentence seems to be etched into his brain. “I can’t lose you too.” He isn’t thinking about surviving this mess, not about how to get everyone out, not about how to let radiation in, not even about how his sister is doing. No. “I can’t lose you too.”

He sighs deeply and turns on his side. He doesn’t regret going undercover, not for one second. He knows this is their best shot to finally defeat them.  This is his idea.

He just wishes he had…

“Nice remark , Bell”, he thinks to himself. “What _do_ you really wish you had done?”

If he could be completely honest with himself, he knew what he wished he had done. He would wish he had said a proper goodbye to Clarke. He would wish he had told her how he felt. He would wish he had had the _guts_.

Never thought I would lack guts to do anything, he mocks himself.

Especially the guts to be honest with himself. Or rather, to have been honest sooner. When it had mattered. When it could have made a difference.

Lying here in his bed with this regret and these _feelings_ , he’s driving himself insane.

He turns onto his back and wishes he was outside, where he could see the stars and breathe fresh air. He has gotten used to being outside so easily.

He smiles and compliments himself when he realizes he hasn’t been thinking about Clarke for five whole seconds.

“Pathetic”, he mutters to himself.

He knows it’s useless to make resolutions about what he would do or say when he finally gets out of here. He doesn’t know what the circumstances would be or if she would even be alive. Because after all, you never knew what could happen on the ground. And even if he did make resolutions, he doubts he would, in the end, actually go through with the plan anyway. He is such a mess when it comes to Clarke Griffin. And she doesn’t know. Maybe she won’t ever know.

He closes his eyes again and tries to sleep, but sleep only comes a couple of hours later. The last thought on his mind before he goes under is “I can’t lose her either."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm already one day late and I had no one to spell check so sorry if there are any mistakes :)


End file.
